“Who are you?” asked Emilio.
“Adolfo Guzman, guardian angel.”
They shook hands and Emilio sighed. “So I’m…?”
Adolfo nodded.
“Bummer,” muttered Emilio.
“Any regrets?”
“I should’ve gone with ‘Time to die’ at the end there. From Blade Runner.”
“I’ve noticed that about you,” snickered Adolfo. “Everything’s a movie quote, huh?”
“Movies are everything. Cinema is life.”
“Except life ain’t got no script, amigo. Those one liners wouldn’t stand a chance against reality.”
“What do you mean?”
“This is what famous movie lines would sound like in the real world.” Adolfo snapped his fingers and the following clips played out in Emilio’s head:
Passenger 57 (1992)
John Cutter talks to Charlie on the airplane phone.
“Charlie, you ever played roulette?”
“On occasion.”
“Well let me give you a word of advice…” (pregnant pause) “… always bet on –” (click, dial tone)
Cutter looks at the flight attendant. “He fuckin’ hung up on me.”
Good Will hunting (1997)
Will Hunting walks up to the cafe and yells at Clark through the glass.
“Do you like apples?!”
“What?!”
“Do you like apples?!”
“No, I have an apple allergy!”
Will slaps a piece of paper onto the glass. “Well, how do you like– wait, what?! You don’t like apples?!”
“I can’t eat them so no, I don’t like them!”
“Just because you can’t eat ‘em doesn’t mean you don’t like ‘em!”
“What?!”
“You like the taste and everything, right? The flavor and texture of apples is fine, it’s just the results of eating them that don’t agree with you, am I right?!”
“I don’t know what you’re driving at but do you like bananas?!”
“Bananas?! Yeah, why?!”
“Because you’re fucking bananas!”
Will’s friends and everyone in the cafe laugh hysterically at Will, who begins to weep.
Scarface (1983)
“Say hello to my little friend!”
One of the advancing Colombian assassins in a baby voice: “Hi, little friend!”
The Godfather (1972)
Paulie pulls the car over so Clemenza can “take a leak.” Clemenza walks to the front and pees. From the backseat, Rocco pulls out a gun and blows Paulie’s brains out all over the dashboard.
Clemenza walks back to the car and says, “Leave the gun.” Rocco tosses it in the car. “Take the cannoli,” adds Clemenza and Rocco grabs it from the front seat.
The two men walk away and Rocco says, “I know you’re showing me the ropes, Peter, but I got questions.”
“Ask me while we’re walkin’, will ya? I wanna get back to Brooklyn sometime this month.”
“Okay. First of all, why the hell did you piss right in front of the car during the hit? I almost shot you three times while I was blowing Paulie’s head off.”
Clemenza doesn’t answer.
“And leave the gun? That was a brand new pistol. We got other hits to make.”
Clemenza doesn’t answer.
“Also, we kill the guy in his own car and now we’re walkin’ back to Brooklyn? This is some of the worst on-the-job training ever.”
Clemenza starts eating the cannoli.
Passenger 57 (1992)
The airplane phone rings again and John Cutter answers, upset.“Why did you hang up on me, asshole?”
“You didn’t finish your thought.”
“I was building it up for dramatic effect.”
“Building what? The roulette thing?”
“Yeah, I was gonna say always bet on black.”
“Why? What the hell does that have to do with anything?”
“You know, because I’m black.”
“Well, I’m not red.”
“Huh?”
“If white was the opposing color in roulette then that would make sense because I’m the white opponent in this scenario, but that’s not the case. I think Chess would be more chromatically aligned with your ridiculous analogy, even though one does not typically bet on chess matches because –” (click, dial tone)
Predator (1987)
The rescue team led by Dutch is hanging out in a busted hut after infiltrating the guerrilla camp. A member of Dutch’s unit, Roger, seems annoyed. “Hey, Dutch. I know we were in the heat of the battle earlier but remember when you kicked down the door and stormed into the room?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you say knock knock as you entered?”
“Yes.”
“And when you threw your knife at that guy’s chest and he stuck to the wall, did I hear you right? Did you really say stick around?”
“I did.”
“I don’t know, man.”
“What’s the problem?”
“You think that’s appropriate? Making goofy puns like that while we’re slaughtering people?”
“It lightens the mood. Killing’s not easy and yukking it up helps me cope with the anxiety.”
“So it’s a defense mechanism?”
“Yes.”
“You’re not just showing off?”
“Yes.”
The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Clarice answers the phone. “Starling.”
“Well, Clarice… have the lambs stopped screaming?”
“Dr. Lecter… what lambs?”
“Remember the screaming lambs when you were a little girl?”
“Oh, right. They got slaughtered when I was ten so yeah, they stopped screaming a long time ago.”
“It’s a metaphor, Clarice.”
“For what?”
“Forget it. And Don’t bother with the trace. I won’t be on long enough.”
“Trace? I’m on a rando hallway phone. How did you get this number anyway?”
“I have no plans to call on you, Clarice.”
“Aren’t you calling me right now?”
“The world’s more interesting with you in it.”
“Aw, that’s sweet.”
“So you take care now to–”
“You take care now, too!”
“I wasn’t finished!”
“Oh.”
“You take care now to extend me the same courtesy.”
“What courtesy?”
“Bloody hell. I have to go, Clarice.”
“Okay.”
“I would chat longer… but I’m having an old friend for dinner.”
“Oh yeah? Whatcha having?”
“Good lord. Bye-bye, dumb-dumb.” Dr. Lecter hangs up.
“Dr. Lecter?”
(John Cutter gets on the line: “Pretty sure that dial tone means he hung up.”)
“Dr. Lecter?”
(“Hang up, girl!”)
“Dr. Lecter?”
(Charlie gets on the line: “Cutter’s right, Clarice. The call is over.”)
“Dr. Lecter?”
(“Oh dear.”)
“Dr. Lecter?”
(“How did this woman graduate from the FBI Academy?”)
It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)
Emilio and Adolfo play the respective parts of George Bailey and Clarence the Angel.
“Who are you?”
“Adolfo Guzman. AS-2.”
“AS-2. What’s that?”
“Angel, second glass.”
“Uh-huh. So where are your wings?”
“I gotta earn ’em. By showing you a scene from your life that doesn’t matter since you’re dead.”
“Sounds totally logical.”
“When you were eleven years old. You had a book report due on Treasure Island, but you didn’t read it so you rented the movie and got an A on your book report.”
“Yeah?”
“Years later, you had a bookcase in your apartment with tons of books you never read. It was just for show. To look smart.”
“So?”
“So you never read The Great Gatsby?”
“Nope. I saw the movie.”
“To Kill A Mockingbird?”
“Saw the movie. If a book is so great they’ll make a movie out of it.”
“But sometimes the book is better.”
“I wouldn’t know.”
“Exactly. You used your little library as a Potemkin Village to try and impress people, mainly girls. And then Patricia Flores showed up and exposed the Potemkin Village Idiot.”
Emilio and Adolfo watch a flashback that took place in Emilio’s downtown apartment thirty years before. Patricia Flores, a bright and shapely college girl, was the one that got away. The two were about to embark on their first date to the park for a summer picnic when she stopped to admire his bookshelf. Excited, she grabbed his copy of Novela de Ficción, a classic 60’s novel that had been adapted to film in the early 80’s called Película de Ficción.
“You’ve read Novela de Ficción?” she asked.
“Of course. I saw that when I was a kid.”
“Saw it?”
“Yeah, you know, I saw it at the bookstore and I was like I have to read this book.”
“Same here,” she said, leafing through the pages. “What a cast of characters.”
“Amazing cast! Such great actors.”
“Actors?”
“The characters, all acting on their impulses and stuff.”
“Right.”
“You have to credit the direction on that.”
“What direction?”
“The plot. You know, the direction of the story and the narrative and suchnot.”
“Suchnot?”
“Sure.”
“What about the score?” asked Patricia.
“Don’t even get me started on the score.”
“We’re talking about the book, Emilio.”
“I know. The book. It was a real score.”
“You’ve never read it, have you?”
“I totally have!”
“When Victor goes to the prostíbulo, who does he find there?”
“What?”
“The scene wasn’t in the movie, but it was in chapter five of the book. Who was there?”
Emilio gulps. “I didn’t read the book.”
“Have you read any of these books?”
“All of ’em.”
Patricia scans a few titles and selects his copy of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. “Who’s the narrator in this story?”
Emilio smiles. “I don’t know but the next woman that takes me on is gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars!”