hispanicdotes

“It musta been something I ate,” said Ozzy, clutching his enormous belly. He was the size of a baby humpback whale and ate everything he could all of the time so it was difficult to pinpoint the root of his severe agita. I knew for sure that he had eaten …

Enter The Three Amigos: me, myself, and I. No more, no less. And not that I’m a loner. Just self-sufficient. I keep myself company. Three’s company, and my company is good. Table for one? Yes, please. Play Scrabble With Friends on my phone? Go fuck yourself. The computer is my …

Pepe and Chico are shopping at Rags to Riches, a secondhand store that sells used wardrobe from Film & Television productions. “There’s an old joke,” starts Pepe. “Two Chicanos are shopping at a secondhand store and one of them says ‘Everything in here smells like asparagus piss.’ And the other …

Mano a mano means “hand to hand” in Spanish, as in hand-to-hand combat, but this loan term doesn’t just describe two people going toe-to-toe because they can’t see eye-to-eye. Most of the time, it’s any head-to-head, wire-to-wire competition. “They went mano a mano in a foot race!” Sometimes gabachos say …

I used to work at a shipping facility in the valley and one day this dock loader named Hector invited me to a house party in Pacoima. When I asked him what time it started, he said, “Dark time.” “That’s the best time,” I replied, and it’s true. All the …

My roommate Gustavo went by the nickname Goose, and could’ve easily gone by Wild Goose because of his hell-raising nature. When he wasn’t talking shit he was starting shit, and always with the cojones to back it up. Kind of like his Pit Bull Chorizo: lots of bark and lots …

While planning the arrangements, I told the funeral director that, at some point during my grandfather’s funeral, I wanted to get up and say a few words. “How many words?” he snapped. “Just a few.” “A few is like five. So five?” “More than five.” “So several words? “Yes.” “Several …