hispanicdotes

“It musta been something I ate,” said Ozzy, clutching his enormous belly. He was the size of a baby humpback whale and ate everything he could all of the time so it was difficult to pinpoint the cause of his discomfort. He had eaten four tacos for breakfast earlier that …

Enter The Three Amigos: me, myself, and I. No more, no less. And not that I’m a loner. Just self-sufficient. I keep myself company. Three’s company, and my company is good. Table for one? Yes, please. Play Scrabble With Friends on my phone? Go fuck yourself. The computer is my …

Pepe and Chico are shopping at Rags to Riches, a secondhand store that sells used wardrobe from Film & Television productions. “There’s an old joke,” starts Pepe. “Two Chicanos are shopping at a secondhand store and one of them says ‘Everything in here smells like asparagus piss.’ And the other …

Mano a mano means “hand to hand” in Spanish, as in hand-to-hand combat, but this loan term doesn’t just describe two people going toe-to-toe because they can’t see eye-to-eye. Most of the time, it’s any head-to-head, wire-to-wire competition. “They went mano a mano in a foot race!” Sometimes gabachos say …

Life in the big city is a fickle pickle. Too many variables make it the volatile vegetable (or flickery fruit) that it is and nothing is more unpredictable than the inconsistent night life experience: Friday night: I didn’t holla at any rucas at the club tonight because none of ’em …

My roommate Gustavo went by the nickname Goose, and could’ve easily gone by Wild Goose because of his hell-raising nature. When he wasn’t talking shit he was starting shit, and always with the cojones to back it up. Kind of like his Pit Bull Chorizo: lots of bark and lots …

While planning the arrangements, I told the funeral director that, at some point during my grandfather’s funeral, I wanted to get up and say a few words. “How many words?” he snapped. “Just a few.” “A few is like five. So five?” “More than five.” “So several words? “Yes.” “Several …