It was early in my career as a puta-for-hire that I first learned the cardinal rule of the flesh trade: always get the money up front; but persuading every John, trick, and hairy customer to follow that policy is not without its challenges. Most of these whoremongers are already self-conscious enough about having to get their snapper on the black-fish-market, so one false move from me can quickly turn a lovely hooker experience into just another impersonal business transaction.
To keep the hot fantasy from becoming a cold reality, I broach the delicate subject of prepayment with an old rhyming slogan technique that combines monetary slang and rhyming sexual innuendo. By replacing the pushy frost of pay me in advance with the charming qualities of such naughty phrases as no money, no honey or no pay, no lay, I take a potentially off-putting proposal and transform it into an offer that strikes the perfect balance between playful working girl and professional business woman.
Whether I’m in a high-rise building declaring no dues, no screws to a business executive in his corner office, or I’m saying no cash, no gash to a toothless drifter behind an alley dumpster, my two essential goals are met: the twat gets bought before services are rendered, and both parties (or multiple parties when the occasional gang bang is in order) are left to concentrate on the more personal payoffs of whoredom.
My coworkers call it the phrase that pays, and most of them follow the same no bucks, no fucks line of approach when it comes to securing advance payment. The lovely Fantina likes to use no dollars, no hollers and no dough, no ho, while that bitch Uzi prefers to go with no bank, no skank and no money chips, no honey lips. Mama Sugarpuss uses pastry references to sell her “baked goods” and is partial to the lines no buy, no pie and no boodle, no strudel. Even my daughter Paloma, who is only a stripper at this point (give her time), gets her clients to pay up front with a clever no finances, no thigh dances. She makes me so proud.
As effective as the no checks, no sex approach can be in my line of work, it’s certainly not foolproof. I picked up this trick in a hotel lobby the other night who I could’ve sworn was the biggest pendejo on the face of the planet. From the minute we walked into his hotel room, I could tell he was gonna be nothing but trouble …
“Okay, girl!” he shouted. “Let’s get you pregnant!”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m just kidding. You got condoms, right?”
“First things first, lover boy. No dime, no time.”
“What?”
“House rules: no bills, no thrills.”
“I don’t understand.”
“No bread, no spread. You dig?”
“Not really.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I’m talkin’ about no funds, no buns.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It means no booty, no booty, sailor. What do you think it means?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know what no swag, no shag means?”
“Nuh-uh.”
“No coins, no loins?”
“Nope.”
“What about no boon, no poon?”
“Still drawing a blank.”
“Wow. You must be a slow adult.”
“Why?”
“’Cause we’re covering some pretty basic shit right here.”
“Like what?”
“Like no jack, no crack.”
“Meaning what exactly?”
“Meaning no cheese, no squeeze.”
“I’m afraid I’m not following.”
“Look, I’m gonna make this real easy for you, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Read my lips.”
“You got it.”
“Are you followin’ along?”
“I’m right behind you.”
“Okay. No scratch … no snatch.”
“You lost me.”
“Dude, what part of no riches, no bitches don’t you understand?”
“All of it.”
“You never heard the phrase if you can’t pay the cover, you can’t lay the lover?”
“Never.”
“What about no token, no pokin’?”
“It’s all Greek to me.”
“Jesus. Where the hell you from?”
“I’m from Greece.”
“Of course. But you speak English, don’t you?”
“Absolutely.”
“So you know what treasure means, right?”
“I have an idea.”
“And you know what pleasure is, right?”
“I have an idea.”
“Okay then. What does no treasure, no pleasure mean?”
“I have no idea.”
“You’re not paying attention!”
“You’re not making any sense.”
“It makes perfect sense, you idiot. No loot, no coot.”
“In other words?”
“In other words, no payroll, no hay-roll, okay? No fees, no skeeze. You got it?”
“I got nothing.”
“You’re telling me the phrase no cabbage, no stabbage means nothing to you?”
“Tipota.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means ‘nothing’ in Greek.”
“I can’t believe this shit.”
“What?”
“Just watch me this time. I’m gonna add some hand gestures, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Are you watchin’?”
“I’m watching.”
I rubbed my thumb and forefinger together and then pointed to my vagina. “No bankroll, no stank-hole.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Concentrate!”
“I am!”
“Follow my hand!”
“I’m following!”
“I pointed to my ass and then rubbed my fingers together again. “You don’t get my butt if I don’t get my cut, comprende?”
“No comprende.”
I pointed to his pocket and then to my pocket. I pointed to his penis and then to my vagina. “If you don’t put your green in my pocket, then you don’t put your peen in my socket!”
“I’m so confused right now.”
“Listen, you dumb son of a bitch! If you wanna have sex with me, you gotta pay me two hundred dollars up front!”
“Ohhh,” he said laughing, “Now I get it.”
“Yeah, now you get it! Numb nuts!”
He handed me the money and said, “You should’ve just said a 647.”
“What the hell is that?”
“That’s penal code for solicitation. You’re under arrest for prostitution.”
“What?!”
He showed me his police badge and then shoved me up against the wall.
“Spread your legs, puta!”
He started frisking me and as he got lower, I put my ass in his face and gently spread my butt cheeks apart. “How ‘bout a freebie if you free me?”
“What’s that?”
“If you let me off with no charges, I will get you off with no charges.”
“I’m afraid I’m not following.”
“Just take me to jail, pendejo!”