Essays / Short Stories
I rubbed one out the other day; a genie, that is, from an old oil lamp I bought at a garage sale in Pacoima for two dollars and fifty cents. I didn’t know it was a magic lamp when I made the purchase, or that is one of those down-economy …
Carson Montgomery stood proudly at the bar of his man cave and filled two large mugs with ice cold beer from his recently-installed kegerator. He handed one to his neighbor Carlos and raised the other in a toast. “Welcome to the Montgomery man cave.” “¡Salud!” said Carlos as they clinked …
Sanchez. Lopez. Valdez. Many Spanish family names are affixed with the -ez ending. Gutierrez. Resendez. Marquez. And many traditional family names include paternal and maternal surnames, so sometimes you get a hyphenated twofer known as a “double-barreled surname”: Alvarez-Perez. They might even rhyme on occasion: Hernandez-Fernandez. Yañez-Ibañez. Vazquez-Velazquez. Like the …
My wife and I got married in Costa Rica near Bahila Ballena, along the southern coast of the Nicoya Peninsula. We took a commercial airliner from Los Angeles to the capital city of San José, and then caught a twin engine, turbo prop airplane to a tiny airport in the …
We were somewhere around Zzyzx Road when the drugs kicked in. I remember my girl Luna saying something like, “Why is there mustard and mayonnaise smeared all over the goddamn highway?!” “You mean the white and yellow lines?” “Yeah!” “Those are road surface markings.” “Oh.” That’s Luna all over—she’s a …
Dear John, My parents always tell me I watched too much American television growing up, and that now I’m Lost and Clueless about The Real World because of it. Whatever, My Two Dads! Here’s The Facts of Life, it’s been 48 Hours since I left the House because I was …
Once upon a midnight screening, I kept shifting forth and leaning Over many a cramp and furious teeming at my bowel’s core; Stomach knotted, kinda snappin’, as if #2 might happen Would my person soon be crappin’? Crappin’ out my anal door? “‘Tis only vapors,” I muttered, “nothing in the …
It was early in my career as a puta-for-hire that I first learned the cardinal rule of the flesh trade: always get the money up front; but persuading every John, trick, and hairy customer to follow that policy is not without its challenges. Most of these whoremongers are already self-conscious …
I could tell on the ride over that my prom date was eager to get to the dance. She kept asking the driver, “How much longer? Are we almost there?” There was an annoyed look on her face when I nudged her and calmly pointed to the DO NOT TALK …
