Ingredients
A dash of repugnant cologne
⅕ gallon of hard liquor
5 pints of beer
A spoonful of “chopped sugar”
3 cups o’ piss and vinegar
1 hot ginger with 2 jumbo cans and no bra
An ounce of courage
Mixed messages
1 block of cheese
1 pound of flesh
½ ounce of herb
1 whole pig
Some thyme
Directions
1. Wash and dry yourself. Dress to your liking, spice with fashion. Add a dash of repugnant cologne.
2. Preheat car to 75 degrees. Drive to a karaoke bar and park.
3. Stay in vehicle and snort chopped sugar. Braise with two shots of alcohol.
4. Enter bar full of piss and vinegar and baste with a pint of beer. Poach karaoke microphone and pour your heart and soul into a cheesy selection. Dice up song with a butcher knife, strain to recover, and receive booing and hissing from audience.
5. Go to bathroom and drain one liter of urine. Do not shake drippings. Leave a large pee stain on pants. Cut the cheese and add more chopped sugar to coat insecurity.
6. Marinate at bar with three more pints of beer and blend. Freeze when hot ginger with two jumbo cans and no bra walks in, then overheat and allow heart to melt.
7. Apply final dose of liquid courage and approach hot ginger. Grate cheesy one-liners and sprinkle throughout one-sided conversation with no flavor. Ignore her mention of a nearby boyfriend and offer to whisk her away. Take “no” as “yes” and keep stirring the pot until she threatens to sauté your testicles. Bring situation to a boil with a pinch of her ass.
8. Roast meathead boyfriend when he arrives. Stir it up and don’t mince words. When he steams up, reduce heat with halfhearted apology and offer him a pound of flesh. Let offer stand for one minute, and then season again with salty attitude. When boyfriend starts to mix it up, crush and mash his knuckles with your face.
9. Ice lip and drain nosebleed for 5 minutes. Rinse with cold water.
10. Simmer for 5 more minutes in parking lot before serving cold revenge: fillet the tires on meathead’s SUV. Peel out.
11. After cooling for two miles, pull to side of road and open bag of herb. Remove stems and drizzle contents in a bowl. Smoke until fried or completely chilled out.
12. Resume driving while baked and get pulled over by a pig. Fail sobriety test and get arrested for DUI and possession of herb and chopped sugar. Spend the night in a holding tank with a large biker. Spoon for 6 hours.
Garnish life savings on court fees and legal representation. Serve some thyme.
Servings: 3-5 years in prison.
Alternative: Stay home and order take out.
