Time:
A gazillion years ago
Setting:
A conference room
Characters (The Four Seasons):
Fall (aka Greg) – dressed as a leaf
Winter (aka Fred) – dressed as a snowflake
Spring (aka Eric) – dressed as a flower
Summer (aka Tommy) – dressed as the sun
Curtain. The Four Seasons walk into the meeting room and take their seats.
Fall: Season’s greetings everyone.
Others: Season’s greetings.
Fall: We’re here today because the Four Seasons Committee has decided to roll out some PR changes, beginning with the official ledger. From this day forward, the record will no longer bear our given names.
Spring: We’re being fired?
Fall: No, no, no. They just want us to change our names.
Winter: Why?
Fall: Management wants to do a little rebranding to improve optics. I think they feel that our names might be too commonplace; that a season deserves a more dignified title.
Winter: Like what?
Fall: I’m glad you asked, Fred. I jotted down some names here. (Fall puts on his eyeglasses and takes out some notes) We’ll begin with my own. From this day forward, you will no longer address me as Greg. I shall be known henceforth to the world as the season of … Fall.
Winter: Fall?
Fall: That’s right. You know how the leaves “fall” from the trees during my time of year?
Winter: Yeah.
Fall: Well, there you have it. My name is Fall.
Winter: Oh, brudda.
Spring: What about me, Gary?
Fall: Please, Eric. Call me Fall.
Spring: What about me, Fall?
Fall: Well, since you’re the season of renewal, a time when everything springs back to life, from now on, your name will be … Spring.
Spring: Spring?
Fall: Yes.
Winter: So they’re all just shitty puns?
Fall: Excuse me?
Winter: What’s my handle? Da freezin’ season?
Fall: Actually, it’s–
Winter: –Save it. I’m pickin’ my own name.
Fall: No, I think you’ll like it.
Winter: Forget it.
Spring: Fred is right.
Fall: What?
Spring: We should pick our own names.
Fall: What’s the matter? You don’t like Spring?
Spring: That’s not the point. The point is, we should be able to name ourselves.
Winter: Yeah, Greg. It ain’t your job.
Fall: (removes his eyeglasses) The name is Fall.
Winter: Go ahead, Eric.
Spring: What?
Winter: Pick your own name.
Spring: Okay, um … from now on … you can call me … Spring.
Fall and Winter exchange a dumbfounded look.
Spring: Because you’re right. Everything springs back to life, ya know?! And also because there’s a bunch of springs during that time, am I right? Like water springs? That’s another kind of spring, isn’t it? Spring water?
Winter: Are you done yet?
Spring: I think so.
Winter: Awright, listen up, you jamokes. From now on, alla yous can call me Winta.
Summer: Winta?
Winter: Yeah, Winta! With an E-R at the end!
Fall: What the hell is a Winter?
Winter: It ain’t nuttin’. I just made it up.
Fall: You can’t do that.
Winter: I just did.
Fall: Look, this is a one shot deal, Fred. Once we submit these names, that’s it. There’s no take-backs.
Winter: I said my name is Winta! And I’m stickin’ to it!
Fall: Fine. (Fall takes out a pen and records the new name) Fall, Spring, and Winter. That just leaves you, Tommy.
Summer: Huh?
Fall: Select a name, please.
Summer: Oh, uhhh, I haven’t given it much thought. Can I get back to ya?
Fall: I need something right now, Tommy. These are going out today.
Summer: Oh, okay. Well, ummmm … dude, I don’t know. How ‘bout Hot Stuff?
Fall: Hot Stuff?
Summer: Yeah, you know, ‘cause I’m all hot and stuff.
Fall: I don’t think that’s very dignified.
Winter: And Fall and Spring are the cat’s balls?
Fall: Better than Winter. Sounds like a disease or something.
Winter: You wanna see a good fall? Keep runnin’ ya mouth and I’ll drop ya like a busted leaf.
Spring: Knock it off, you guys. Let’s just get this over with so we can all go home, okay? Tommy, have you made a decision yet?
Summer: About what?
Spring: About your name!
Summer: I don’t think so.
Fall: You want a good name, Tommy?
Summer: A what?
Fall: You wanna hear the name I chose for you?
Summer: Okay.
Fall: Listen to this … Simmer!
Summer: Simmer?
Fall: Yeah! You know, like the simmering heat. Doesn’t that sound more distinguished? The season of Simmer?
Winter: It sounds like shit.
Fall: I was talking to Tommy. What do you say, Tommy? Simmer time?
Winter: Hey, Tommy, forget that bullshit. Tell ‘im you want Summa.
Summer: Summa?
Winter: Yeah, Summa! With an E-R at the end like Winta!
Summer: Yeah, that works, dude.
Fall: Are you kidding me? Summer’s not a word.
Winter: Neither was Winta but we did it anyway. Just write down Summa and be done widdit.
Fall: (shakes his head and sighs) Whatever you say. You guys are the ones that are gonna have to live with these ridiculous names. (writing the new names) Fall, Spring, Winter, and Summer. Okay, on to the next item: the issue of time.
Spring: Time?
Fall: Yes. According to the committee, the time of day is going to change every year to balance out the sunlight. It will happen twice a year: one hour forward in the Spring, and one hour back in the Fall. Now, if everybody can–
Winter: –Whoa, wait a minute, back it up there, Fall guy.
Fall: What now?
Winter: Me and Summa are just a coupla nobodies ova here?
Fall: What do you mean?
Winter: How come it’s just Spring and Fall gettin’ a piece of the action?
Fall: This is what the committee decided.
Winter: When?
Fall: Yesterday.
Winter: Based on what?
Fall: Based on my suggestion.
Winter: And what suggestion was that?
Fall: Well, it’s just more convenient this way. Spring and I have established verb names, so when people need to know which way to set their clocks, they can remember to either “fall back” or “spring forward.” I mean you wouldn’t say “winter back” would you? Nobody would know what the hell you’re talking about.
Winter: You didn’t know my name was Winta until two minutes ago.
Fall: So?
Winter: So you rigged it, you weasel.
Fall: Can we just move on, please?
Winter: Not before you cut us in on that clock action. Me and Summer, we want in.
Fall: You’re not listening. It’s already been decided. Spring and I have names that just happen to align with the concept.
Winter: I’m changin’ my name then.
Fall: You can’t.
Winter: Call me One Hour Back, and Summa can be One Hour Ahead. That way you don’t hafta rememba some stupid sayin’.
Fall: Why are you making this so difficult?
Winter: ‘Cause I don’t like double-dealing twistas. You go back and tell them bums at the committee that I bust my ass three months a year like the rest o’ ya — sometimes longer if the groundhog sees his own shadow. You tell ‘em. I want some respect, and I want my fair share.
Fall: Look, Fred.
Winter: One Hour Back! That’s Mister One Hour Back to you, asshole.
Fall: Look, I had perfectly good verb names all picked out for you guys but you wanted to choose your own made-up names. Now you want to change them again so you can participate on the time change? It’s too late.
Winter: Simmer forward? Simmer back? You were gonna cut us outta the deal with or without our own names.
Summer: Yeah, dude.
Spring: Guys, can we please just end this and go home?
Winter: We’re not going anywhere until I get my fair share.
Fall: You want your fair share?
Winter: Fair and square.
Fall: Okay, fine. I’ll make you a deal. Spring and I already have established verb names so we’ll handle the time changes in perpetuity. That’s our baby, every year. Right now you and Summer aren’t even in the dictionary. You will be after today, but only as nouns. I’ll talk to the dictionary people, I got friends over there, and I’ll arrange it so you guys can also be used as verbs. What do you say?
Winter: What the hell kinda deal is that?
Fall: You want more exposure, don’t you?
Winter: Yeah.
Fall: Well, wouldn’t you guys like to hear someone say, “We summered in the lake last year?” Or “We wintered in the desert?” You can’t do that with Spring and I because we’re already verbs. We have to be conjugated.
Summer: What are you talking about?
Fall: Spring and I have to be inflected into the past tense form and because we’re irregular verbs, you end up saying things like, “We Fell in The Lake last year,” or “We Sprang in the desert.” It doesn’t compute. But you know what? I’m okay with that. Are you okay with that?
A pause.
Winter: Whattaya think, Summa?
Summer: About what?
Winter: It’s a deal.
Fall: Great. So we all agree? The four seasons are now Spring, Fall, Summer, and Winter?
All: Agreed.
Fall: And Fall and Spring handle the time changes while Summer and Winter are granted dual parts of speech?
All: Agreed.
Spring: Great! Now we can conclude the meeting.
Fall: Yes, but before I close, I almost forgot. I am the only season that has been allowed to have more than one name so along with Fall I will also be known as Autumn. Thank you very much! Meeting adjourned!
Fall tries to run out of the conference room but Winter tackles him to the ground. Spring and Summer complete the dog pile.
Curtain.