John Doe was your typical Joe six-pack American; an average Joe with a Joe Schmo job and a Joe Blow life.
When he first started dating his plain-Jane girlfriend Jane Doe, she was full of Joy, but after a year of living together, she became a Debbie downer, a negative Nancy, and a nervous Nellie all rolled into Juan.
Last Tuesday John came home and found a Dear John letter Bobby-pinned to the Tiffany lamp on his antique spinning Jenny. According to the letter, Jane had been Sharon her Kitty-Cat with every Tom, Dick and Harry in the apartment complex and now she was gonna Skip town with some hairy Dick named Tommy who was working as a Mason after years of flying a Twin Huey for Uncle Sam.”Dinner’s in the fridge,” ended the ‘Memo.
Johnny felt like a door Matt as he ate Jenny’s final meal: Sloppy Joe with a side Caesar salad. He drank an Arnold Palmer, then followed it with a Margarita, three shots of Don Julio and a Bloody Mary. It made him Ralph sloppy-Joe upChuck all over the John, Andy eventually blacked out in the bathtub.
When he woke up the following Wednesday afternoon he had a cup of Joe and a nervous breakdown. He was about to slip himself a Mickey and go drive off a Cliff but like Johnny-on-the-spot, his Buddy Larry showed up Justin the Nick of time.
“Jeez Louise, are you Joshing me with this gloomy Gus routine?” asked Larry, “You’re Scott free now! It doesn’t matter if it’s April, May or Summer in June, you can go out and shag a new Sheila on the Norm!”
At first there was no Ray of Hope, but after a few hours, Larry restored John’s Faith in humanity and convinced him to go out and raise Cain like Disco Dave till the break of Dawn. John got all dapper Dan in his best duds and the two set out to paint the town Red. They started at a Tony restaurant called Antonio’s and got their Phil on steaks and Brandy, then went over to Hank’s Bar for a Rob Roy and a Harvey Wallbanger.
At the end of the night, they found themselves at a Dusty Ben in Santa Monica known as Benny’s Den for karaoke. When John ran up to the KJ booth to add his name, he was told he’d be number Seven on the list behind six other numbers: some Herb named Amos was singing “Maria” by Ricky Martin; Mitchell was doing “Peggy Sue” by Buddy Holly; Stewart was signed up to Wade through his rendition of “Marianne” by Tori Amos; Paula had “Amelia” by Joni Mitchell; Martin was doing “Maggie May” by Rod Stewart; and Rikki, Hollie, Joanie, Buddie, Rodd and some Karen named Torrey were all gonna Chip in on a group version of “Hey Paula” by Paul and Paula.
A Tad disappointed, Joe and Larry took a seat at the Bar and started a Tab. In his Ken, John spotted a real work of Art: a Bonnie Ginger Angel in a Lacy Heather Gray top and a tight Ruby skirt. “Mary Magdalene full of Grace!” he blurted. “Did Cupid just Grant me a Venus with a perfect Fanny?”
“Roger that, Junior,” confirmed Larry. “Now stop staring like a Randy peeping Tom and go get Gabby with her.”
“No way, Jose. I’m too Rusty.”
“Just be Frank with her, and try to think of her as a hot tart on a lazy Susan just waiting to get picked up.”
“What if she’s a prima Donna?”
“For Pete’s sake, Nancy boy! Stop being such a doubting Thomas and go talk to that Betty like a steady Eddie!”
John Rose to his feet like Billy badass and approached her. He gave her a Pat on the back and she turned around with a Flip of her Tawny hair.
“Doe… John Doe,” he said as her Hazel eyes stared blankly at him with Zero interest. “Also known as John Q. Public,” he added, but more silence followed. “Not exactly a chatty Cathy are you?”
“Hit the road, Jack,” she replied in a Curt manner.
“’Kay, I Will. But before I go, I have to say your legs give me a Woody to the Max. What time do they open?” To make things even Steven, she Drew back in a Sally of rage and kicked him right in his Jimmy.
“Holy Moses!” he grunted as he doubled over in Payne, grabbing his Peter, all Misty-eyed. He could feel a Charlie horse growing on his Dick as he limped back to Larry, who erupted in a Gale of laughter. “Damn, Slick Rick. What in Sam Hill was that?!”
“I think she left a Mark,” groaned John. “If that Millie broke my Willy I’m gonna Sue her and get Rich.”
Just then, an onlooker drinking a Martini with a Logan Barry in Lou of an Olive, put a Stella and a shot of Jack on his Bill and had it delivered to John out of Ruth. They didn’t know him from Adam, but the Guy was actually a very famous person. I would tell you who he was but I’m not a name dropper. No sirree, Bob.
Signed,
Anonymous